I've let you down, but most importantly, I've let myself down. This is depressing. I don't think I have ever been so disappointed with myself, EVER.

I don't want to lie to myself, or to us, that we did well. We may have done good, but we could have been better. Better, does not mean, getting a gold instead of a silver, or whatsoever. Because to me, it's not because of that medal anymore. We could have been better if we were more focused, actually know who to follow, and be more professional. Days before SYF, I still didn't know who to follow. RAH.

I don't think I can make myself say, "I'm sorry, that was my best." when the results come out, because in me, I know clearly, that was not my best. Unlike other CCAs, who know they have done their best, enjoyed that few minutes, I can't, because it was not my best. I know I should let go, because there's nothing I can do now. But, it is not that easy, I may not think of it, but I feel it. I feel the disappointment, the regret if I ever not put in my 100%, the fact that I can't turn back time, and enjoy that moment. To think, before that, I was tearing, not because I was nervous, but because I was so happy, to actually have the oppurtunity to be on that stage, under that limelight. When I had the confidence, I had to screw up.

I wish I'm proud of myself, like people say they are proud of me. Inside me, that feeling is going to haunt me, the disappointment in myself. It's like all of a sudden, I couldn't see WHY I even got into Drama, I doubted myself because of the disappointment I feel for not being my best for that 20 minutes. I can't say, "Don't be disappointed, you've done your best!" BECAUSE LIKE I HAVE SAID, IT WAS NOT MY BEST.

This is so painful. It's torturous. But THE PASSION lives on.